By NATALIE BIVAS
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Twenty-five
years ago my husband and I did something few Jewish parents had. We held a brit
shalom ceremony for our son as opposed to a brit milah. We invited guests
without saying there would be no circumcision. Dr. Dean Edell (who is Jewish
and opposed to circumcision) sent a camera crew for our brit shalom and later
used clips from it on different TV programs.
We
had a friend who was a rabbi in education, but without a pulpit. It was novel for
him to do a brit without mila, but he was willing to do it and risk it. There was
also a rabbi in Marin County who was known to do a brit shalom. He was known as
a hippie rabbi. He also was willing to do this for us. So we had two rabbis.
Looking
back, though, I wish I’d done nothing. I felt I wasn’t fair to the guests
because they were invited to something that might have offended them, and
without warning. I was so nervous about
it that I had no pleasure in it. My parents were there and just happy to have a
grandson. They were 75 and 79 at the time. My husband’s parents were in France.
We
were afraid to bring up our decision to our families, all members having a
strong Jewish identity. My husband’s sister is prominent in Jewish organizations
at the national level. We wrote thoughtful letters to everyone. I don’t know
what they really felt, but they didn’t reject us. We aren’t otherwise very
rebellious. I must admit this was super scary and painful for me.
Convincing My
Husband Not to Circumcise
My
husband is Jewish, from Egypt. He was not on board at first with the idea of
not circumcising our son, but he also was uncomfortable because he and others
in his family had fainted at brises. Pregnant, I would wake him in the middle
of the night and ask him to imagine what it would have been like to have
circumcised our then three year-old daughter. Female circumcision, after all,
would have been practiced in his native Egypt. This thought was very difficult
for him.
Eventually
my husband thought of how primitive his family viewed the tribal scarring
practiced by the Sudanese and Nubians in Egypt. I would ask my husband, “So
tell me the difference, please, between those people cutting themselves and our
people cutting themselves?” He conceded that circumcision, if you could step
back and consider it as an anthropologist would, was not different from tribal
scarification. With these comparisons and my crying at three in the morning, he
came around.
My
pregnancy was spent in a constant distress. I sometimes feel angry and guilty
because I must have surrounded my poor baby with stress hormones due to the
decision not to circumcise him. I can’t help but wonder if there were long-term
effects on my son as a result. I had anxiety and dry heaves through much of my
pregnancy because I felt as if Judaism was forcing me to choose between not
hurting my child and being seen as a heretic. I was angry about being in that
position. And I was afraid everyone would argue with us and turn their backs on
us. I did lose a friend over our decision. She said, “So in another holocaust,
your son will be spared!” We don’t talk anymore, by the way.
I
grew up in a steel-manufacturing town 20 miles outside of Pittsburgh. My
parents were first generation Jews in America. As a child I was always more
religious than my parents and insisted we celebrate every holiday. My extended
family called me the rebbetzin. Women were not rabbis then. If it had been
possible to be a woman rabbi, I might have. We didn’t have bat mitzvahs in our
shul, only bar mitzvahs. Eventually we added confirmation, and I had a
confirmation at 15. My maternal grandfather was very observant, and I regarded
him as one step down from God, so I understood kashrut and how to be observant.
Realizing the
Harms of Circumcision
I’m
not sure when I came to view circumcision as harmful. It was a process. When I
was five, my parents explained circumcision as we were going to my cousin’s
bris. I remember my parents saying the penis had a little something that didn’t
belong there and had to be cut off. It was a bit like cutting fingernails, they
explained, and it wasn’t painful. I was slightly uneasy about the idea of being
born with something you didn’t need and with the idea that removing something
from the penis wouldn’t be painful. When the bris started, my baby cousin
screamed. He and the men were in another room. I sensed the anxiety of the
women, and I also felt anxious because I knew I didn’t scream when I got my
nails cut. Experts in memory say the events we remember well from childhood are
often the scary, traumatic ones. This must have been scary for me because I
remember it well.
I
was in my early twenties when I was invited to a bris of my friend’s son. The women
had quietly left the room before the cutting, and I hadn’t noticed. I
found myself with a front row seat. The
baby was livid with shrieking. In the hallway, friends were supporting the
mother from collapsing. It seemed horrible. The next day, I was back in the
Hebrew school where I was teaching at the time, talking to my Israeli colleague.
I said to her, “I think circumcision was created as one of those rites of
passage that separated the weak from the strong. Probably many babies didn’t survive
it in primitive times.” She said, “My baby brother died from his circumcision
in 1939. He ended up with septicemia before there were antibiotics, and he
died.” That was the beginning of my eyes being opened to the dangers of
circumcision. It was clearly not the same as a fingernail trim. Years later,
when I was pregnant, I learned from a friend of a boy she knew who was
institutionalized because of his bris. He also had septicemia and was
permanently brain damaged.
Raising My
Intact Son
My
son was around eight when he learned about circumcision and the fact he is
intact. One day he asked why he was on TV now and then. (Recall Dean Edell and
the bris.) I explained to him what
circumcision is, and that it was novel that he was Jewish and not circumcised
because we opposed it. I don’t think he minded not being circumcised. I think
he was appalled that anyone would have considered cutting off part of his
penis.
Being
intact hasn’t stopped my son from being involved with Judaism. He had a bar
mitzvah and did the whole service except for Shachrit, including a dvar Torah.
He went as a volunteer in the Israeli army with me when he was in high school.
He went to Hillel for every Shabbat and for every holiday at Oberlin where he
was an undergrad. In college, he went to Israel again with Aish HaTorah to
learn how to become an advocate for Israel. He did a Kohn internship here when
he was an undergrad, working for Jews Indigenous to the Middle East and North
Africa (JIMENA). He did a year of modern Hebrew at college (that is all they
offered). He currently goes to Hillel or to a local synagogue every Shabbat in
Ann Arbor where he is a grad student. When he’s home he is eager to go to Torah
study with us on Saturday mornings at the Reform congregation. For someone his
age who was not raised as an Orthodox Jew, he is very knowledgeable about
Judaism and very interested.
Being a Jew
Opposing Circumcision
Choosing
to leave our boy intact hasn’t diminished our Jewish involvement. My husband
and I belong to two congregations in Palo Alto, California. We’ve belonged to
the Conservative synagogue for at least 25 years and are associate members of
the Reform temple where we attend Torah study. I am a member of the Jewish
Community Relations Council. My husband, who was exiled from Egypt, is an
active member of JIMENA and does presentations about Jews exiled from Arab
countries. I am an advocate for Israel and have twice volunteered on supply
bases with Sar-El. I have had many pro-Israel letters published in newspapers
and magazines.
I
think circumcision is wrong, is mutilation, and parents have no right to
mutilate their child’s body. I would advise parents who are on the fence about
this decision to have the strength of their convictions because others have
gone before them. These days Jewish identity is so weak, and intermarriage among
Jews so high, that no parent should think circumcision is the act upon which their
child will identify. Parents who are concerned about fostering their child’s Jewish
identity would be better off focusing on other aspects of Judaism. So, in
short, I’d say, “stand your ground.”
Natalie Bivas is
a reading and ESL specialist for the Palo Alto School District where she has
worked for eighteen years. Prior to this she taught in two Jewish days schools
in Montreal after finishing a teaching credential at McGill University where she earned
her B.A. She is also the former reading specialist for the Jewish Coalition for
Literacy.
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a wonderful woman for heeding your convictions, and protecting your son from circumcision, instead of going along with the crowd.
Just as other religions would have no right to brand, tattoo, or do any other permanently harmful rite to their children, Jewish children should be free from circumcision. Please continue sharing your story, so you can plant the seed that circumcision is something that should be abandoned in other Jewish parents hearts, and minds.
Beautifully written story, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI, too am a Jew and my sons, now 27 and 13 are intact. Although I have never practiced my religion, my children identify themselves as Jews. Their heritage comes from their heart and soul, not their genitals.
My mother always regretted my brothers' circumcisions and like you, learned from Dr. Dean Edell. She learned independently from me at about the same time my first son was born. Whenever a family member mentioned my son needing to be circumcised, my mother was there to back me up. It would have been difficult to fight them off on my own, but I would have. In hindsight, not circumcising my sons is one of the best decisions I ever made as a parent and I don't know how I would live with myself if I had done otherwise.
Please read my thoughts on circumcision below on this site.
Karen Goldis Isskenderov
Mostly what I have seen from Rabbi's is that a boy will be made to feel bad if he doesn't get a circumcision. It is already known that a boy born of a Jewish mother is Jewish, and circumcision doesn't affect that a bit. IF this is the reason given for why a Jewish boys need to undergo circumcision.....fitting in, then it seems like it should be the religion and families responsibility to make sure boys who are not circumcised are not treated any differently.
ReplyDelete"IF this is the reason given for why a Jewish boys need to undergo circumcision.....fitting in, then it seems like it should be the religion and families responsibility to make sure boys who are not circumcised are not treated any differently."
DeleteTHANK YOU!!! Yes!!! Anyone who rejects a person because of what his or her genitals look like has a character deficiency, and it is that person's problem and not the child's. Those who say "he has to fit in" are no better than playground bullies, and only discredit themselves with such callous and immature thinking.
It takes very very great moral courage to be as religious as you are and yet to refuse to circumcise one's own son. Thank you for sharing this very intimate aspect of your life with us all.
ReplyDelete“So in another holocaust, your son will be spared!”
Your friend's ugly sarcasm speaks so loudly to the envy, the dog in the manger posturing, the fear of ridicule and disdain -- base motives all -- that circumcision, routine as well as ritual, tends to attract. There are surely those who think silently that your decision at your son's birth will embarrass him acutely when he starts dating Jewish women seeking to get married.
“My baby brother died from his circumcision in 1939. He ended up with septicemia before there were antibiotics, and he died.”
"...of a boy she knew who was institutionalized because of his bris. He also had septicemia and was permanently brain damaged."
Who will count the victims of brit milah? Thank you for speaking up for them.
Tikkun olam. L'chaim!
Natalie, what a wonderful and loving person you are... and you showed all the respect and love that a parent should have for her child... This world is surely a better world with people like you around... Thank you.
ReplyDeleteNatalie:
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful article. You are one of the leaders in the Brit Shalom movement. It was a conversation I had with you about twelve years ago that was my inspiration to start the Celebrants of Brit Shalom list on line. And yes, your hippie Rabbi was one of my very first celebrants. We now have more than 80 rabbis and lay leaders worldwide who will help families with covenantal ceremonies, without circumcision. Your son is a model for thousands of Jewish boys now growing up, who will follow his lead as intact Jewish males by having Bar Mitzvahs, and ultimately taking their place in the Jewish community.
I'm so glad to read this! I am a Hindu by religion and circumcision is forbidden in it for the exact same reasons you mentioned... Mainly if you are born with it.. It's meant to be there and mutilation. That said I was made to feel guilty right after my son's birth at my hospital when I was told about the" health risks" of not circumcising my son! I was brought to tears!! Thankfully, by the will of God we spoke to my mother in law and she absolutely forbade us to do it saying it was ridiculous to think that circumcision would help keep my son cleaner and healthier!!
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful for that eye opening call I made in a weak moment... All for the love of my son!
Your story is amazing and what you have done takes solid guts to do!! Keep up the good work and encouragement in your community
I loved reading your story, Natalie! I remember Ed Wallerstein asking me to call you because you were so upset during your pregnancy, distressed and vomiting. I thought, no woman should ever have to go through this and how many Jewish women pray for a girl so they won't have to endure the emotional pain that gripped you. Then, too, I remember the day of your son's beautiful brit shalom. After welcoming your son, one of the rabbis walked over to his wife, while the other rabbi played his guitar and sang a song at the place in the ceremony when your son would have been circumcised. The first rabbi said something to his wife about how easy the ceremony was without the circumcision. Several of us cried because the ceremony was so beautiful and welcoming and because your son was spared, but you, your husband, daughter, and your precious newborn son did not cry. You were all joyful! I felt honored to have been invited to the first brit shalom I ever attended. I knew it was groundbreaking then and, after reading your story all these years later, it seems all the more groundbreaking now. Congratulations for your courage, for trusting your mother heart, and for protecting your son! With love, Marilyn
ReplyDelete“So in another holocaust, your son will be spared!”
ReplyDeleteMy immediate thought: Is that a bad thing?
Please help me understand better the harms of circumcision. I don't buy that babies remember it. And not having antibiotics in the 30's has no relevance today. I don't necessarily disagree with your views about it, but I haven't seen your case about its harms. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJoan, your question into the harms of circumcision is an excellent one. It's often overlooked by those of us who are so familiar with the subject. I've just added a new section "Why Question Circumcision?" on the top bar of the site. Please have a look!
ReplyDeleteThough I understand your concerns, I must ask- what are your thoughts on the fact that according to the Torah your son is not Jewish? As stated in the Midrash, "If they tell you there is wisdom among the nations, believe it. If they tell you there is Torah among the nations, don't believe it." The ideology of liberalism is a beautiful and important thing, but I think that it is a tremendous mistake to replace Torah with how this society has taught you to feel about stuff.
ReplyDeleteQuick edit- still Jewish, just Karesh. I am new to Jewish laws because I was raised in a non-observant environment.
ReplyDeleteLove this project and very sorry I can't contribute financially but -
ReplyDeletewondering if you know these resources and if they may be of help to you?
i4SkinHealth an iPhone/Pod/Pad app see at: http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/i4skinhealth/id408258486?ls=1&mt=8 I actually am hoping to rase funds through FundRazr to upgrade and update this app - there is some Jewish content in it. If you wish to see it and nobody has an iPhone/Pod/Pad pls meal at info@farreach.org with your email address and I'll send the original files except the Diary which is math-y and doesn't email well),
with 2 support sites, please visit, 'Like' and share widely:
http://www.farreach.org please read Objectives - a plan for many research projects and
https://www.facebook.com/pages/FarReach/365951563480675
also a nursing case study article with a couple who preserved their marriage through foreskin restoration:
http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-94-007-6407-1_8#sthash.41S2l8YK.dpuf please feel free to send me an email address if you'd like a pdf of the nursing article also.
I would love to hear what you think of the case study if you read it and to hear more of the Brit Shalom project too.
I live in Montreal and have done presentations on 'genital integrity for several study groups at McGill Community for Learning in retirement http://www.mcgill.ca/continuingstudies/programs-and-courses/mcll
One man who sits on a seminary ethics board for rabbinical training commented that shalom means whole as well as peace, so Brit Shalom is doubly appropriate for welcoming a little one as his whole self!!
Best regards, and Shalom,
B. Maurene White ret RN , BTh, BA (Med Anth), B Ed McGill
FGM PROSTITUTION ON WOMANHOOD BY PARENTS - BUTCHERS OF WOMANHOOD
ReplyDeleteWhen God told Abraham to sign the covenant of the flesh, he circumcised all the male children and he was circumcised. GENESIS 17: 1-27 When God told Moses that the Children of Israel shall not circumcise their girls, the message was given in a spiritual language and bore two warnings. The Israelis parent shall not sexually mutilate their daughters and fathers were commanded not have carnal knowledge of their daughters making them prostitutes. The evil cutting is done in honor of the dead. Leviticus 19:28-29. Israelis girl child remained a land fenced, a spring shut up and a blessed fountain sealed in divine state. Song of Solomon 4:12, Proverbs 5:18-19. Israelis women remained lively and delivered goodly children easily a state known to Pharaoh and he agreed with the midwives reply. Exodus 1:15-22. Men can overturn the suffering girls go through in FGM over night when they are not habitually cheated on issues concerning FGM. The covenant of the flesh for a man child is with ease to behold with no ill feelings or regrets which require no medication afterward in life. Fgm is a satanic sacrifice to a girl child of secrecy with miseries and constrains of disgrace to behold accompanied by many cases traumatic child delivery requiring medication .Men with clear information concerning fgm will take a firm stand that girls atrocities in FGM resulting in life time suffering is not their joy and refuse sharing wives with Satan in FGM. Fgm is the satanic strategic morality sacrifice tragically endorsed by many parents across all social status around the world. Parents have their own zeal of faith in fgm and have established their own righteousness not according to righteousness of God in the knowledge of his Word. Roman 10:1-4. Parents spearhead the immoral act in fgm. Many fathers are bonded and bound by it and sink to abyss of silence even when children and youths raise a protest the battle of minds against fgm. Satan has for generations perfectly cushioned fgm in many families parenthood which is un institution of tender care and love as the acceptable way of life. It is the time satan tragically prevails in honor in parenthood. Let all Children of Abraham by faith join in spiritual circumcision. When faithful Abraham the father of faith was commanded by God to be circumcised at 99 years old with his son Ishmael at thirteen years old, he obeyed God. Sarah and Hagar were not circumcised or any girl child since there is no women circumcision with God. GENESIS 17: 1-27